Making new friends as an adult can be a challenging feat. I admit that in the past I have subscribed to the no new friends club. Why? I felt it was too much of a hassle, too much drama, too much time required. Now I'm thinking actually I was really just being selfish.
I remember having a group of "friends" in elementary school and them telling me that they didn't want to be my friend anymore. I don't even remember why, but I remember running home to tell my mother about it. She always would tell us, me and my four older sisters, that we didn't need friends because we had each other. Shortly after my so called friends dumped me, the whole group got in trouble for something. I remember thinking, I'm glad they kicked me out of the crew when they did because I would have been in trouble too. I took my mother's statement to heart. You don't need friends; you all have each other. Sometimes I would even feel guilty when developing close relationships with friends. It felt like I was breaking the sister code.
I did develop friendships over the years. In middle school/junior high school I had a group of friends, but I still felt like an outsider. My mother was very strict and somethings she just didn't allow like spending the night at other peoples house or allowing me to walk up and down the streets to other neighborhoods. I always felt like the lame one. A few weeks before our eight grade graduation our teacher was absent and our class was divided among the other eight grade classes. I was assigned to a different classroom than my friends. They decided to sneak on a field trip with another class and as my memory recalls, they were suspended and would not be allowed to walk the stage for eighth grade graduation. I told my mom about that too. I used to tell her everything back then. One of my sisters asked me why I didn't go on the field trip. My mother quickly interjected that if I would have went I would have been hanging outside on the clothesline at that very moment. Wow! A mother's tongue can be quick and sharp. That was the second time I was okay that I was a bit of an outsider.
I made my two longest friendships in high school. One I met during my freshman/sophomore years in Chicago and the other during my junior and senior year when my family moved to Mississippi. I still keep in contact with both of them every once in a while. My friend I met in Mississippi went on to be my college roommate. So we became very close.
I developed one friendship in my adult life with a young lady I met while her husband and I were in the church running club together. We go to church events together and check in via text usually daily just a hello and how is your day going. And of course of I have my sisters. I am five years apart in age from the sister next to me and 16 years apart from my oldest sister. I am the youngest. My sisters are a given. We are there for each other when needed and we talk on a regular. I accept them for better or worse and they accept me the same. I have said in the past that my sisters require a lot, so I don't have anything to give to anyone else. We don't try to change each other and really don't get into each other business unless asked.
My friendships outside of my sisters don't require much. I don't require much of them and they don't require much of me. If I call or text that is fine and if I don't that's fine too. I check in with my sisters almost daily or at least weekly and I know they will always be there for me. My long term friends may call every few months or so and we stay on the phone for hours catching up. I've never been an open book, but I pride myself in being a great listener. With my sisters we agree to disagree. We fall out and go back to talking like nothing ever happened and usually never discussing what did happen.
Growing up I didn't see my mother having many friends. She would have the occasional call from her long distance friends as well and stay on the phone for hours laughing loudly which was a sound I loved to hear.
I remember having a group of "friends" in elementary school and them telling me that they didn't want to be my friend anymore. I don't even remember why, but I remember running home to tell my mother about it. She always would tell us, me and my four older sisters, that we didn't need friends because we had each other. Shortly after my so called friends dumped me, the whole group got in trouble for something. I remember thinking, I'm glad they kicked me out of the crew when they did because I would have been in trouble too. I took my mother's statement to heart. You don't need friends; you all have each other. Sometimes I would even feel guilty when developing close relationships with friends. It felt like I was breaking the sister code.
I did develop friendships over the years. In middle school/junior high school I had a group of friends, but I still felt like an outsider. My mother was very strict and somethings she just didn't allow like spending the night at other peoples house or allowing me to walk up and down the streets to other neighborhoods. I always felt like the lame one. A few weeks before our eight grade graduation our teacher was absent and our class was divided among the other eight grade classes. I was assigned to a different classroom than my friends. They decided to sneak on a field trip with another class and as my memory recalls, they were suspended and would not be allowed to walk the stage for eighth grade graduation. I told my mom about that too. I used to tell her everything back then. One of my sisters asked me why I didn't go on the field trip. My mother quickly interjected that if I would have went I would have been hanging outside on the clothesline at that very moment. Wow! A mother's tongue can be quick and sharp. That was the second time I was okay that I was a bit of an outsider.
I made my two longest friendships in high school. One I met during my freshman/sophomore years in Chicago and the other during my junior and senior year when my family moved to Mississippi. I still keep in contact with both of them every once in a while. My friend I met in Mississippi went on to be my college roommate. So we became very close.
I developed one friendship in my adult life with a young lady I met while her husband and I were in the church running club together. We go to church events together and check in via text usually daily just a hello and how is your day going. And of course of I have my sisters. I am five years apart in age from the sister next to me and 16 years apart from my oldest sister. I am the youngest. My sisters are a given. We are there for each other when needed and we talk on a regular. I accept them for better or worse and they accept me the same. I have said in the past that my sisters require a lot, so I don't have anything to give to anyone else. We don't try to change each other and really don't get into each other business unless asked.
My friendships outside of my sisters don't require much. I don't require much of them and they don't require much of me. If I call or text that is fine and if I don't that's fine too. I check in with my sisters almost daily or at least weekly and I know they will always be there for me. My long term friends may call every few months or so and we stay on the phone for hours catching up. I've never been an open book, but I pride myself in being a great listener. With my sisters we agree to disagree. We fall out and go back to talking like nothing ever happened and usually never discussing what did happen.
Growing up I didn't see my mother having many friends. She would have the occasional call from her long distance friends as well and stay on the phone for hours laughing loudly which was a sound I loved to hear.
I recently was invited to an event with other single, christian women. It was 13 of us and the topics posed were as follows: What is your definition of community? What is your definition of friendship? What is your definition of covenant relationships? To be honest I have never given friendship this much thought. Through our discussion it was said that all relationships need clear definition and defined expectations. I feel like over the years I learned not to expect much from friends and not to give too much of myself in return. Now I am 39 years old an reevaluating everything in my life. If relationships are not authentic and beneficial what is the point?
My favorite podcast is Jesus and Jollof hosted by Yvonne Orji and Luvvie Ajayi. They speak of their group of friends and how they support each other. Each person bringing different talents and gift to the group. Willing to support each other's successes, but call each other out when someone is getting off track. Can I say that I have that been that type of friend? Absolutely not! I've been mostly consumed with myself probably for the past decade, rebuilding my life, credit, sanity and whatever else that fell apart after I got a divorce. I felt like I had enough issues of my own and my mandatory sister relationships were all that I could handle. It felt like my cup was empty and I had nothing to pour out to anyone.
So where I am going with this? In striving to be a better person and reevaluating myself and my relationships, I want to be a better friend to my current friends and even my sisters. I want build authentic, honest and mutual relationships and allow myself to open up more and not just be a listening ear. Also, I am no longer opposed to making new friends. My cup is to the point that I have something to pour out, and I have enough space to be poured into as well.
My favorite podcast is Jesus and Jollof hosted by Yvonne Orji and Luvvie Ajayi. They speak of their group of friends and how they support each other. Each person bringing different talents and gift to the group. Willing to support each other's successes, but call each other out when someone is getting off track. Can I say that I have that been that type of friend? Absolutely not! I've been mostly consumed with myself probably for the past decade, rebuilding my life, credit, sanity and whatever else that fell apart after I got a divorce. I felt like I had enough issues of my own and my mandatory sister relationships were all that I could handle. It felt like my cup was empty and I had nothing to pour out to anyone.
So where I am going with this? In striving to be a better person and reevaluating myself and my relationships, I want to be a better friend to my current friends and even my sisters. I want build authentic, honest and mutual relationships and allow myself to open up more and not just be a listening ear. Also, I am no longer opposed to making new friends. My cup is to the point that I have something to pour out, and I have enough space to be poured into as well.
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