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Boundaries

I have had a tri-color Chihuahua named Chloe for thirteen years. There are days that I don't get to spend much time with her and I feel guilty about that. I find myself giving her leeway and removing boundaries because of my guilt, but I always regret that I do.

I stopped Chloe from sleeping in the bed with me a few years ago, but then she got arthritis. I felt sorry for her and the amount of pain she was in and I let her back in my bed. I guess I thought the Tempurpedic mattress would help her.  She did get better. One day I noticed that when I removed boundaries for Chloe, such as allowing her to sleep with me or not locking her up when I would leave the house, her behavior didn't reflect appreciation. She still did things that were normal for her by nature and very annoying to me. She would poop on the carpet or get into the trash. Chloe also has a tendency to beg for my food even when she has a bowl full of dog food. She even has the nerve to growl at me if I try to touch her bowl of food. Imagine that, a dog that I have had for 13 years growls at me, the person who purchased and gave her the food. It's not that Chole is a bad dog, it's the fact that she is a dog...period. It's just her nature; therefore, I have to keep boundaries with Chloe.

I recently had a friend that was in a transitional situation between housing and asked to come by to use my bathroom to freshen up. I said yes, although I had been having a conversation with myself about breaking ties with this friend because they spoke contradictory to my beliefs and tried to impose their beliefs onto me. On this particular day as the person was leaving my house, they told me to come to lock the door. I was busy at my computer and said just turn the lock and close door. I continued working on my computer for about another two hours. When I was finished at the computer and was preparing to go to the gym, I was totally surprised to see that my back door was open. The lock was turned, but the door was not closed shut. I felt violated because anyone walking by could have seen that the door was open and I was totally unaware. I was going to let it go, but then I found a dirty cotton swab that the person left on a table. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I had to say something.

The first call just stated the facts of how things were left. I remained calm throughout the call and kept it brief. God is really working with me on remaining calm when I need to have tough conversations. The person called back the next day and explained that it was not their intention to leave the door open. I replied that I believe that it was not their intention, but it was just their nature. This person was often self-seeking and had left me holding the short end of the stick more than a few times in the past, but would still run to me when facing a problem. I felt sorry for the person, but the person's true nature would always show eventually.  I explained all of this very calmly and the phone became quiet. We've spoken briefly one time since then, and again I regretted answering the call. The conversation quickly went to some new beliefs that the person had discovered from YouTube.  I ended the call. This relationship required that I have strong boundaries in place to protect my peace and also I found it necessary that I permanently end the friendship.

In the past, I would find myself asking the question of why people would treat me the way that they did. The answer is because I allowed it. I failed to have boundaries in place for my own protection. Why did the friend keep returning for my help? Because I always helped regardless of how they kept taking advantage of me. Leaving the door open was just a representation of all past behaviors I had experienced with this person. I was expecting more from this person than they were capable of giving at the time, a friendship was not possible.

I've learned that it's okay not to accept toxic, manipulative, self-seeking and draining behavior from people.  It's not only okay but necessary to set boundaries for my own well being even if that means ending the relationship.
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  1. ItsMePeaches69February 17, 2020 at 1:06 PM

    Seem as though we’ve both experienced people taking our kindness for granted! But that was 2019, it’s a new year! #Boundaries

    ReplyDelete

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