I was in a situation where I was not certain what the outcome would be. I wanted a positive outcome, but deep down I wasn't allowing myself to enjoy the opportunity because I felt that at any moment it could end. I prayed, joined a support group on the matter, and believed that I was working hard on myself to change. I felt because I was doing all of these activities, I would prevent the negative outcome from occurring and not repeat mistakes I had made in the past. I thought my actions were positive, and they were, but I was still unknowingly doing them in fear and giving energy towards the negative. Job 3:25 NLT reads, "What I always feared has happened to me. What I dreaded has come true. I have no peace, no quietness, I have no rest, only trouble comes".
The thing I feared doing, the thing I feared would happen, and the mistakes I tried to avoid repeating from the past eventually happened. When I think about it, I almost forced it to happen in the end. Then I dared to say "see I knew that this would eventually happen". It sounds so foolish now, but hindsight is 20/20. It happened and I had to deal with the consequences. I began examining myself and asking the question how did I get here to this point. The answer is always within and usually the problem too.
So what did I learn? I learned that I really can't give fear any room to breathe in my life. I know that is easier said than done. We have fear from past or unknown experiences, which then keep us from enjoying the present, and then robs us of or delays our future. I learned that I can't change the past and that I can only plan for the future, but I don't have any real control over how it will come to pass. I also learned that when deciding to try to change a habit in life my I have to trust the process. I found myself asking God, how did you allow me to get this far out here only for this to end this way. Well if I wanted to control the process, I should not have invited God into the situation. I realized that it was not allowed to punish me or to be harsh, but to correct me. It's like God held a mirror up to my face and said this is you, this is your heart and this is what you need to correct. We make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps (Proverbs 16:9 NLT). His process is not for me to understand because he knows better than me. His thoughts are higher than my thoughts and his ways are higher than my ways. My responsibility is to trust his process for my life. This didn't only apply to this one area of my life. I was allowing fear to control me in other areas as well that I thought I had released to God.
So since I can't change the past, really don't have any say so in the process, and can only trust God for my future, I will strive to enter into His rest and thank God for what is.
Sometimes we are our own worst enemy!
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